Letters To Myself
by sunpancakes
Summary: A walk in the night is often recommended to clear your thoughts; well Matt doesn't have any other way of getting home, so he has plenty of time to discuss with himself the reason of being and the mysteries of the bonds between boys. One sided story. Taito
1. Walking

Here's a new story I cooked in the past months, as my blog says, sometimes you just need more life in your life to know it's real. A walk in the night is often recommended to clear your thoughts; well Matt doesn't have any other way of getting home, so he has plenty of time to discuss with himself the reason of being. One sided story.

Just like all of us, he talks to himself sometimes, and also, just like all of us; he questions himself on why does he do things like he do.

Enjoy, comments are always welcomed.

msballes.

* * *

For so long now have I lingered in expectancy, passing my eyes through the road, hoping to see you coming on the horizon, I'm waiting for you. Although long and cold has been the wait, I keep holding; grasping that little left of hope that dwells inside me with all the strength that my cold hands can muster.  
I'm still holding, maybe this time, you'll remember that I'm here… waiting.

_It's cold outside._

Sometimes I think that you are trying to hang on too, that you are actually fighting the urge to call me and tell me that you miss me, just like it happens to me everyday. But then I think about those times when you had the chance of saying something, all those moments you had to tell me something, why would you let them go? Why would you let things fall down? And then I remember; that I let them fall too.

There will be no angels tonight, to take me back home, saving me from the bitter and windy night. As I walk in the shadows, hoping that the cold weather will make you shiver and remember how warm it was our embrace, I imagine that my phone starts ringing, and that as I look at the ringing phone, I'll see your number displayed on it, and then I'll know that you're calling me because you miss me as I miss you. You're calling because it's late and you're worried that I'm not home yet.  
But looking at my phone, the screen keeps black, unlighted and silent. Sighing, my gaze turns back to the road; my feet are cold as they step on the hard stone floor. Hugging my old sweater and changing my bag to my other arm, I can't help a chill climb up my back; it's very cold tonight and the skies are dark with clouds, I think it's going to rain.

Time to fasten up the pace, it's still a long walk ahead and it's already late. I should've thought of these kinds of situations before choosing night school.

_Damn._

It was better when there was somebody waiting for me outside school to take me home.  
We would get in the car and we just talk about our days, _how was yours and how was mine_, and I'd feel there's nothing better on earth than those moments we were sharing. Then, once we'd get home, you'd start mumbling that you're tired, I'd start cursing because you have to work so early the next day and it would all end in you staying with me for another while, just sitting inside the car, looking at the stars through the sun roof, while yellow bright eyes look through the glass, a furry white cat that stares at us from outside the windows.

It was better when I wasn't walking alone at night.

There are no stars to look upon as I walk; the moon seems to be hiding behind those heavy clouds that look like they have quite some water on them, every once in a while she takes a quick peek below, gracefully gazing down to the earth from her hiding place behind the clouds. But since there's no moon, the streets seem darker than usual; the street lights are very dim, I can barely see the floor I'm walking on, although a few car lights seem to illuminate the road every now and then. Right now, it's just me and the dark empty street.  
Guess I'll just have to keep on walking.

As the wind keeps blowing in my face and I feel the constant chill creep up my back, I remember those times when I felt cold before, how it all seem to go away when you placed your arm around my shoulders, I'd start to feel all warm inside and then a tranquil feeling would embrace me. I wonder now where did that warm feeling go to? Where did all that happiness go to? Where did I let go of your hand?  
When did I get so lost? Have I truly lost my way? Or have I just mistaken it for another one?  
It's so ironic, that I can't help but laugh; I can't even answer my own questions.

Talking about ironic, its funny how so many people asked us that how was it possible that we didn't get bored of each other; always saying that we were stuck together, that we didn't do anything with out the other, asking us if didn't we have separate lives to live each on its own.

Everybody pointed their fingers, saying we were this and that, saying that we didn't have this or that to make it work; it was never enough for anyone. All of your friends complaining about the lack of attention you gave them; all of my friends complaining about the serious tone our relationship had, all saying I wasn't ready for it. And our parents, gosh what didn't our parents say! But I wonder, what do they all say now? Are they happy, satisfied maybe? Did we prove them right? Does it make us normal now that everything's screwed up? I mean_, we're separated now, _aren't we?Isn't space what everyone said we needed? Isn't that what our families said we should put in between?

_Families, a bunch of creepy relatives that think that know everything and that meddling is considered part of "being family", like if it were a right that comes with blood. _

Yup, I've never been much of a family person, maybe because of the way my family is or maybe because I don't really appreciate people meddling, I don't really know for sure. And even though I'd love to have a happy family someday, I certainly don't have it right now.

Our families always behaved odd at the beginning of everything, yours and mine the same; they didn't seem to accept us being together at first, everybody wanted to give an opinion or have a statement; everybody giving us answers to questions we hadn't asked and solutions to problems that didn't even exist. The only one who took it smoothly and actually celebrated it since day one was my dad; even before it actually happened (me and you, as something more than friends) he was always happy about us. He's always saying we can do whatever we want as long as we're together.

_It'll be hard at first but don't give up, you two be happy one with the other and the rest will come on its own_; he said to us the day we told him, a day hasn't passed on which he doesn't ask about you all the time. I remember I said once that he was in love with you too, that we were rivals now; you laughed so hard about it and raised your chest, saying a handsome guy like you wasn't something that came everyday with the mail.  
I never did understand why everybody else couldn't just take it like my dad did; I mean, it wasn't something strange, it's obvious it was going to happen someday, being how we were one with the other. But oh no! My mom just had to freak out and your parents, well, they got so weird around us; it was very strange and sort of creepy sometimes.

It was creepy!

I'm not just saying it because of what they said before, and no, I'm not being paranoid about what your parents think about me and neither am I speculating about what they think, it's just they did have they're very peculiar moments when it came to us, or to me in particular.

Like that day when your dad said he wanted to meet me because he wanted to know with whom his son used up all of his time that he no longer had time available for his family.  
Of course, that had to do with the fact that you drove like 3000 miles to another town to meet my dad, with out telling your family and spent the night in my dad's place; still with out informing anyone that you were leaving town.

This obviously, made your parents furious with the idea of actually having to track down their son all across town when they noticed that he had been absent for almost two days in a row. Probably thinking you'd suffered from an awful accident or something, your dad searched for you in everyplace he could think of. Until he finally found somebody who knew you and me as well; who actually had the brains to imagine that we'd be together or at least that I was going to know something about you and called me at my phone at early morning, when I hadn't even got up from bed, to ask me for information concerning your whereabouts.

Because, as usual, you didn't answer any of the, what? Like 30 calls your parents made to your phone? And yes! It's still considered early hours if I'm still in bed, no matter if it's already 10 am.

I swear, if you had been my son, I'd kick your ass for making me worry that much.

So, having the background of being the theft of boys and the bad influence on you, how did you think I felt about the idea of meeting your parents? Now, add the fact that I am much younger looking and half (if not less) of the prodigy you are? And as bonus, your parents already knew my family history; so, they already had an idea of where I came from, which of course, wasn't the well positioned type of family they'd approve of.

_Who said social profiling?_ I did!

Still, the day came when I actually met your family and it was much faster than what I had expected; we were putting gas on the car when your dad appeared out of no where and invited us to eat.

_Just bam!_

I wasn't even prepared for it, I hadn't reviewed possible conversation topics neither had I planned my possible answers for any possible questions, my hair was a mess and I was shockingly under dressed. It wasn't my moment yet, I wasn't ready, and you know how much of a nervous freak I am, so obviously… I was a total wreck.

But you looked forward for me meeting your parents so much. How could I dishearten you?

It was all just some weird astrological coincidence (some damned funny planet that decided to place itself in another position) that your dad had to pass by the day we chose to go put gas all across town from where we worked. I simply can't remember why we even went so far to put gas; it's that entire miserable planet's fault.  
Anyways, there was no avoiding the invitation or the meal with out being extremely rude and a complete bitch; besides, you really wanted me to bond with your family, you even placed your puppy eyes so we would go.

So being the easy convincing and weak minded subject I am, we ended up eating with your parents at your home, in a very awkward situation with me red from embarrassment shooting a quick death glare to you every now and then; while you just smiled openly at the moment, feeling contented that your family showed interest in meeting what you called, _the one_.

The evening passed by with out much awkwardness, except perhaps the weird color of the forks, but honestly it went a lot better than the next few weeks. Your dad spent the meal making remarks about anything I'd say and you're mom continued to stare at me silently but smiling, a sort of glow in her eyes and hint of complicity in the smile; guess she just was happy that you were happy, or maybe she was thinking of how a lovely person I am and how a lucky bastard you were. Hey! Dreaming is always allowed, besides, if I don't boost myself, no one will do it for me.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if they liked me that day.  
I mean, underneath all the weird details, I wonder what did your parents thought of me that time; being it the first they actually saw me, I can't imagine what was the first impression they had. Well, considering their future opinions or comments, maybe they thought I was just some fling you had, a talking/walking hobby that would just pass after a while; like those that you get for only a small bit of time, until you find something better to do.

_Until you have someone better._

I would be lying if I said I haven't really thought of that as the true _raison d'être_ behind this sudden distance you've placed between us. I'd be fucking lying if I said I haven't imagined you laughing your face off thinking I believed the reasons you gave me. Last time we talked you called me _stupid_, plain and harshly, for implying that you were seeing somebody else. Was that also a lie; a cover up lie maybe? Geez, I just sound so damn paranoid; no wonder you get all crazed up with me all the time.  
Still… why all of a sudden you can't be with me? Why all of a sudden you can't stand having me near? Why won't you talk to me? Oh damn it, I'm doing it again; I've got to stop thinking this.

_C'mon, think about something else._

_  
Think about something else._

_  
Think about something else, whatever, just not him… not you._

_Fuck._

Couldn't you be easier to handle? Why the fuck you had to go around being so damned special? _I know the answer to that one! Finally I know the answer to something; because if you weren't… then, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you, so very fucking hard._

Yeah, I know I'm cursing again. I always start cursing when things get out of hand, although lately I had corrected my language really well; guess I'm not really in the mood to speak properly. You told me once; you were tired of listening to my pirate mouth, saying I spoke like some sailor from old. You also said I'd look a lot more decent and pretty if I controlled my language.

Well, I'm not pretty anyways, so fuck it.

Looking up at the street again trying to focus on something else, I notice that there are no cars right now, none, the street is just empty; I'm the only soul outside. It must be the weather that has everyone inside. If it weren't for the cold and the wind, tonight would be a beautiful night. But also, if I weren't such a controlling and bipolar bitch, I would be a beautiful person; nothing's perfect.

I look around again, checking for cars on the horizon; I'm looking forward to see a small red car from afar.I hoping to see it approach and then just park next to me, with my guarding angel on the wheel, telling me he'd come to pick me up and take me home.  
It sounds so clichéd doesn't it? Like taken out of those cheap romantic movies where everybody is happy in the end, and maybe, they'll all sing and dance while the sun sets on the horizon. Crappy and sappy, you know, like those movies that always make me cry.

I'm not saying that I want you here just to give me a ride; it's not the only reason. It's neither because I'm scared of walking home at night, I mean; of course it has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not because it looks like it's about to start raining and I'm carrying an open bag with my whole schoolwork inside, plus no umbrella or anything to cover from the water. And of course it has nothing to do with the fact that it's freezing outside and my sweater just sucks; it's because it'd be really nice to see you tonight, it'd be nice to realize you want to see me too, that you missed me as much as I've missed you.

Sadly tonight, there are only strangers on the road; cars that pass by, unfamiliar faces on the windows, some look at me, some just keep going.

Everybody worried about their own things, nobody really thinking of the walking silhouette on the side of the road. To them, I'm just a ghost on the street, a ghost that has no name or face; I'm nobody to the rest of the world. Well, this ghost has to keep going, the air keeps getting colder and the sky continues to get dark, not much of a happy picture really.

_Sigh._

Everyday that passes, every hour; every moment… they all seem the same lately.

They're just moments, nothing special; just ordinary pieces of time, hitting me hard on the face, over and over and over. All my smiles seem gone, and I'm left with the plastic one that I use for photos and stuff alike, that one you said looked as if my face had gotten paralyzed from a sudden temperature swing… yeah I know, a very _romantic_ comment from you. Everything feels so boring and mundane, lacking spirit or energy, I feel like waking up wanting to go to sleep again, for time passes faster when you are sleeping and much more enjoyable I must add.

_Love me 'til I drown, I wished once._

_  
_There are so many things missing in my life now, your hand in mine as we walk together, the feeling of having your fingers toy with mine under the table. I miss waiting for you to make me breakfast, while I attempt to focus my attention on anything else other than the thin shirt you're wearing and the way the pajamas pants mark your back curves. I love your body, the way your skin feels against mine, the way your back is marked through your shirt, that beard of yours that never grows normally, your rough hands, the smell of your hair; it all makes me sigh and stare. _I miss you so much._

I miss waking up wondering what will the future hold for us that day, waiting for you to wake up so I can tell you good morning sunshine; and then, watching you smile at me, as if it was the first time you'd see me in a long time, like if you were coming back home from a long trip.

Just like the smile you gave me that cold winter's night, at that small step we were sitting on, talking stranger to stranger, trying to understand why sad things always happen when you're less prepared for them. It was funny how we found each other, amongst all those people; we just had to be there, at that very moment, where your path crossed mine.

It was _Christmas Eve_ I remember, the first time I saw you as more than someone else on the road of life, the first time I saw that beautiful smile of yours, which used to hide deeply in your shy silent face and rarely came out.

That day, I felt out of place; everybody so joyful and happy, all of them expecting to go home sooner to see their families or friends, and there I was working; not really a part of all the happiness, I was just there, doing what I was supposed to do at the moment. It hadn't been that much of a happy year, thus my lovely holiday spirit.

As the night moved forward everybody was just getting merrier and merrier, waiting for the shift to be over already, talking about what they were going to do; and there I was, completely un-merry and lacking totally of a holiday spirit. I remember just sending everything to hell at one moment of the night and walking out, just walking anywhere out, towards the lockers maybe; not really looking for anything else than fresh air and bit of solitude.

Solitude was all I felt like needing.

Looking around in the empty building, I spotted you out of nowhere; you looked so sad, so stressed out… walking towards you, I asked if you were okay, I didn't know why was I even asking things that were none of my business, but you seemed so alone… how could I leave you like that? How do you walk past someone who's in need?

How do you act as if nothing happened?  
I couldn't do that, I couldn't just walk away; besides, I felt like making someone's day better than what mine was.

Now that I remember, I felt so stupid for asking you to talk to me when you barely knew me.  
We were only workmates, seeing our faces every once a day or so, just regular folk passing by, the kind of people you know only by name and face. Just like the neighbors, some you never get to know them, yet you know they're around.  
But that night was different, you sat down with me on that small step and poured your heart out; you opened up and let me all in. No masks or veils, just you, me and the small step that hid us from the rest of the world.

We started talking about our lives, about the things we'd faced, the bumps on the road we'd received, how things just came crashing down when we weren't ready for it and how did we feel around certain things. I told you things I barely spoke of, feeling I could trust you, I too, led you straight open into myself. You talked about your plans, about the life you wished to have and the person you wished to be, about the things you wished to do; but most importantly, you talked about how you'd wished to have also, someone special in your life, someone who loved you for being you, no matter what.

I felt as if you understood me better than some of my friends, I felt as if I could talk with you about anything or maybe nothing, and yet, you'd still know what I was trying to say. As soon as I heard you talk about life, about things you wanted; I knew you were different, I knew you were someone to share memories… someone to build a life with.

I remember I thought: _It'd be wonderful to be that person he's wishing for. I wish he'd fall in love with me, I wish someone loved me like he wants to love someone._

And so you did, in time; you actually chose me to be that person.

That's the best thing that has ever happened to me.  
The first touch of actual and real happiness I've ever felt, and it came from you. It was like opening my eyes for the first time, to see those wonderful sights life has to give. It felt like discovering how things feel for the first time; like when you're a kid, and you realize how water feels on your fingers, how the winds blows on your face.

It was sensing and living something completely new. I wasn't in some relationship, I was with you. You were all I ever wanted myself to be and more; and of course, you were all I ever wanted in someone.  
This was it; this was _what I had been waiting_.

I was no longer a stranger walking alone the path of life; now I had another stranger to hold my hand as we walked together, just one step at a time, leaning one on the other for support, making sure that every step was safe given.

Only that we weren't strangers anymore.

_You knew me, as I knew you. _

_

* * *

_

_tbc.  
_


	2. I walk, I think, I'm paranoid

This is the second chapter to this small one-sided story; originally, I was going to post it all as just a one-shot fic, but honestly, I wasn't really sure that this would be a one-side string of ideas, so I decided to leave it on chapters until I had made up my mind.

Matt keeps rambling on and on, while he continues to travel deeper within himself, finding answers to those questions that all of us ask ourselves sometimes, _why the hell did I do that? _Or_ what was I thinking...?_

Enjoy,  
Comments are always welcomed.

Thanks to Icebender21 for the lovely comment,  
And yes, this will continue :)

msballes

* * *

_You knew me, as I knew you. _...

Gazing up to the road again, another car passes by and the wind hits me hard, again the chill on my back and I curse myself for not choosing a warmer sweater. Damn, it just _had _to be today when I opted to be simple with clothing.  
At least my boots keep my feet a bit warm, it's a good thing I'm not wearing regular shoes today; it wouldn't really be an easy walk home, not that it is actually, but anyways, it still could be worse. I stop at the edge of the sidewalk, the red street light signaling me to wait, I take another look around, everything seems calm and… alone.  
There's no one outside, not even dogs nor cats, I wonder why did people stopped talking outside their houses or on the yards, everybody has a cell phone now and it would seem that physical human contact is not necessary. No more friendly neighbors or anything.

_  
Thank the heavens for technology_ you would say.  
Right, I'd like technology to help me walk home, you're not answering your phone and my house phone's broken, where's the effectiveness in that?

Damn it.

_Sigh_

I feel like an idiot, not that I'm not, but I sure do feel as one tonight.  
I've missed you so damned much these past few days. Every day I've kept my phone near me, hoping I'll receive if not a call at least a short text message saying you've missed me, saying that you want to see me; saying whatever, just coming from you.  
Every day I gaze at the sky and I think, _today will be the day_, today we'll see each other.  
Yet, my phone keeps normal, not a single ring not a single beep. I hate it, fucking piece of worthless technology, so much for a useless device… yeah, I know, how can I get angry with the phone?

Everything's just so different now. Feels like I've lost something important, feels like something's missing. And I keep feeling like an idiot for losing it with out really knowing what or where I lost it.

_I'm hearing sounds near me. Someone's coming._

_Footsteps_, those sounds behind me, they're footsteps and they're approaching me fast. There was no one around, so why the footsteps sound so near? Who's behind me?Should I turn around or just wait until they reach me? Should I take a quick glance back, maybe with a mirror? Hell, I don't have a damned mirror with me.

I'm sounding so paranoid, but it's just that with things the way they've been around town lately, being cautious it's just natural and even required. I tighten the grip on my bag, waiting for it to be pulled from my grasp, the footsteps are just behind. What do people do normally on these kinds of situations? What do you do when you're in trouble, at night, and alone? Again, that doesn't sound like a happy picture.

I couldn't be more scared than what I am now. Courage isn't really what defines me, I'm more like the definition of a coward; the bravest thing I ever do is turning off the light at night and trying to sleep with it off, hoping that the covers will save me from whatever may try to get me.  
I wish you were here, I wished you were with me right now.

You're the one that would know what to do on a moment like this; it's you who's basically made of courage, it's probably one of the biggest things I love about you.

My hands are tense; I think I'm ready to run at the slightest signal of danger. I should've bought pepper spray or something like that.

_Should I run? Do I turn? Where are the god-damned cops when you need them? Where are dogs barking when you need them? Where are you… now that I'm so scared?_

_It's just behind me._

_It's going to get me._

Oh my god.

Oh my holy god… it's just a girl walking by, probably coming out of school too, she's also carrying a bag and looking as tense as me, maybe she's as paranoid as I am.  
Another point to the list of why I feel stupid today.

_Sigh, I'm so stupid_.

I wonder how long has someone walked behind me, I've been so lost in my own thoughts that I've barely placed attention on the road. Anybody could just grab me from behind and pull me to some dark corner and god knows what would happen then, I'm walking alone at night and yet, all I do is dwell inside my own thoughts, completely oblivious to the world around. I might as well put a sign on my chest saying "_hey, I'm an easy target!_"

Well, at least it helps me forget the long walk ahead and keeps my fears away for a while; also, it helps maintain the cold in my body at bay. They say it's all in your mind. Changing my bag again to the other arm, I look up at the sky, the clouds are getting darker; I just hope it doesn't rain until I get home.

_Please, don't let the rain fall until I'm home._

I wonder what you're doing now. If you're sleeping already, what you could be dreaming, if you're wearing those brown pajama pants I love so much or if you had dinner before going to bed.

It'd be nice to see you sleep again; you always look so calm once you're sleeping and you make me want to sleep too. It makes we want to lie down with you in that huge bed of yours, with the pillows that never seem to stop smelling like you and those weird silk sheets you bought on the crazy road trip with the geeks. It's weird, that I always sleep better on your bed than on mine.

Maybe it's the silk sheets that do the magic, some damned trick they have to do to cost what they did, I swear I wouldn't spend so much in some damned sheets, less to say if they're of that weird color you chose; neither gold or brown, not even yellow, some weird burnt shade of _some_ whatever color they are. Of course, all the magic also depends in you; if you're snoring it makes me want to punch you in the face instead of actually lulling me anywhere near sleeping, why do you have to snore so hard? Although, I'm getting used to it by now, I don't wake up as much as I did before and when I do, I just move you a little and you stop.  
Your bed sounds so comfortable now that I think about it.

_Right now, I just want to sleep._

I feel so tired; it's been such a long week.

Finals, last minute studies, presentations… everything's just making me crazy; I'm just glad that December comes with a well deserved school break. At least I'll have more time to spend with you, or so I'd like to think; honestly, as things have been these last days, I'm not sure anymore if I'd be seeing you anytime soon.

Damn.

The wind's starting to loosen up, seems to be blowing a little faster now, it makes my body tremble; the night is already at it's full and it just keeps getting colder.  
Clenching my fists, trying to keep the cold in my hands at minimum, I feel the band around my finger move. I look at my hand, there's the ring you gave me, the only ring I ever wear.

_My black engagement band._

I remember that day at the mall, when I found the ring on the counter, hidden beneath a pile of rings and bracelets. I thought it was so different to all the others, a rare black ring but beautiful anyways. You told me to try it on, honestly I wasn't so sure about it, but you insisted, so I did it and it suited me perfectly.  
Funny isn't it? There are so very little rings that suit me and there was that one, just my size, the only one alike.

Still, I said that it was useless for me to buy it. I never wear rings, they're just not my style; guess… they're just too girly for me. But even when you knew that, you insisted I should have it, you told me to stop thinking it that much, that I'd regret it later… you said you were paying, so I should just take the ring and buy it; and so I did.  
Once out of the store, I placed the ring around my finger, "_it's my engagement ring_" I said, we laughed, and yet, I have not taken the ring off ever since. I've never stopped wearing it; I feel safer with the ring on my finger and I often look at it when my minds clouded with stress. It's my lucky charm.  
Looking at the ring right now, makes my chest hurt a bit and my eyes fill with tears.  
I have to focus my attention on something else.

_It keeps getting colder._

My hands are so cold; the back of my hand is of some sort of red and pink shade now and of course, that stings like hell, all because of my damned dry skin. I feel my arms cold and when I breathe through my nose I get a tingly feeling on my chest from the coldness of the air. But alas, breathing through my mouth also gives me a tingly feeling and also makes me feel a bit tired. All I know is that I'll be sick tomorrow, that's for sure.

Damn it, I just hate being sick.

Being sick means I can't eat or drink certain things, which sucks pretty badly; because then I get mood swings, feeling all vulnerable and needy, I jump from headaches to a sore throat and so on. You know how much I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate it when people know I need something or someone.  
I don't like to show tears, as much as I don't like showing pain.  
That's me: no signs of sadness, no talking about sad stuff, just holding my head up high and continue walking; even when I'm breaking, no one will see that.

That's probably why I always say something stupid when I'm talking about sad stuff. I always make some stupid joke in relation to whatever we're talking or laugh sarcastically about something. Being stupid or sort of goofy is probably my most natural talent.  
But I can't help it, I don't really like talking about what makes me sad, that's why it was so different with you, I always felt like telling you everything that made me feel sad, angry or whatever. Although, I've never really learned how to say things with out again, being stupid. Either I hurt you with the way I talk, lacking sensibility, or I just completely end up saying something I didn't want to say originally.

All because I'm so full of pride and so stuck up.

Yeah I know it is pride that drives me, we've had so many fights about the way I handle things; I just had to learn a thing or two about myself. That's why breaking was allowed when you were around, I always felt safe when you were there.

You saw me in such pathetic state, with out me clenching my teeth and biting my tongue to hold back the tears or the pain. You saw me cry hard, throwing punches at things, breathing heavily while cursing, talking to myself, asking me why would I allow myself such moments of weakness. Or the other way around; you saw me scared, hiding my face, looking down, trembling and nervous, scared to talk and scared to look. You met all those different me's that dwell in my insides; lingering around my mind, telling me how to work things each on its own way, all of them telling me what to do and what to think; the brave me, the coward me, the bitch me… all of them a part of me, with out being me as one.

Having so many different sides, turns me into such a complicated person, I know I don't always understand myself and I know also, I don't always listen to the right voice in my head. But I've tried to be different, still, I keep making mistakes; I keep pushing people away. That's all part of why are you so special to me.

Usually, it was always you the one who knew when I was upset or sad, I'd always tell you; and even when I didn't, you always seemed to find out anyways. It felt good that you cared, that you were interested in knowing what was off with me; even when it didn't have anything to do with you, even if you could do less than nothing, it helped me sort out my mind and calmed my seas.

"_Smile beautiful", you'd say, and I'd melt._

I remember summer, when I fell really ill, you made me vegetable soup, for it was all the god-damned food my stomach could take, you took it home so we could eat it together, and stayed there with me, until I felt better, patting me on the back every now and then, playing with my messed up hair, saying funny things to make me relax.

You hugged me when I was all green and dizzy, after vomiting all my insides, you still took me in your arms and helped me wash my face and my mouth. Feeling embarrassed and dizzy, I started crying, it was so shameful that you saw me in such pathetic state, I felt so disgusting.

"_It doesn't matter, you're still beautiful baby, don't worry about things like those",_ you said and off to heaven I went.

I was very sick for almost two months, being in bed all the time, the farthest place I'd go was the couch on the living room; not eating nor drinking anything else than a few boiled vegetables, some very specific fruits and plain water. Still, you went to see me almost everyday, calling me, asking me how was I doing, how was I feeling; even when there were so many things crumbling down around you, you stayed strong, so that we could stay strong.

You took me to different doctors, trying to understand what was going on with me. And when the answer came, when the symptoms showed us what we had feared all along, we took a decision that changed us, in order for me to be okay.  
We made a choice that we were never sure we were ready to make. But we did it, we chose something and we got through it all, downhearted and a bit broken, but together.

You've always taken care of me when I've felt sick, not even my parents worry like you do; you were always there for me, no matter the problem, I always knew you'd give me your hand. Even when I wasn't really in need to be taken care of, you still helped me out, no matter how stupid my issue was, or under what circumstances it was.

Like that time, my first day in night school, when instead of receiving valuable knowledge provided by some random college teacher, I went to that bar with the people of my class and trying to have fun just like them, I drank a wee bit more than what I should have. Laughs and laughs, I felt so happy because I was bonding with people, joke after joke and the alcohol simply kept running down.

Then, it was time to go home; so I picked up the car, which was actually _your car_, and started the journey towards your house feeling all fuzzy and funny. I absolutely had to tell you how much fun had it been, because you _needed to know_ that I wasn't in my full senses, for whatever reason, it felt like you had to know, as if you were going to be proud of me for being inebriated.

I remember I couldn't even drive properly, yet somehow there was I, standing all drunk on your doorway, knocking hard on the door, begging that you'd be awake to receive me and listen to my entire tale. Right now I only thank the heavens that there was no one else in the house or it would've been really embarrassing to have your mom open the door to see me grinning stupidly and with that damned hiccups that just wouldn't shake off.  
You opened up the door and there I was, giggling like crazy while having difficulties standing straight. I remember you smiled at me, already knowing I wasn't in my full self, and asked where I'd been and how I felt; _I'm feeling funny_, was my answer, and then, more giggles and again hiccups.

You took me to your bed so I could lie down for a while, with me complaining that I was hungry and that everything was moving strangely; why was the floor feeling so funny? I couldn't understand it.

"_Rest easy babe, I'll cook you something", _and_ o_ff you went to cook me dinner, ending with all my complaints. All I remember after that was waking up to see a plate with food in front of me and you smiling widely, like if looking at my sleeping figure amused you. I tried to eat and I fell asleep again while _chewing_ food.

You still laughed so hard about that some days later.

Me and you, you and me; that's how it has been ever since we're together, that's the way it works for me. Just you and me against the world and all it's crap.

Although well, in reality, I'm more of a _sidekick_ than an actual partner in battle.

Like Robin to Batman or Bucky to Captain America; except with out the stupid pantyhose or the cape, and plus I can't kick ass as they do, but hey, it's sort of similar anyways, I'm kind of psychotic too. Or maybe, I'm more like the cheap twin in those weird super-alien twins that transformed into things. You remember how the male twin would always transform himself into some crappy thing that had nothing to do with anything, like a bucket or whatever? Yeah, I'm the bucket, I'm just there being a bucket, helping you with my bucket-like presence.

You know, being a coward doesn't really help much in anything, even so, I do have some tricks under my sleeve; like that time I saved our asses from the cops; and no, it doesn't count that I got us into that in the first place, I saved us, whatever you say, _it doesn't count_. I'm the one who scared the cops away with my infuriated shrieks and complaints. You know, I should write a book about it, _how to scare away the cops in five easy steps_; it would be a best seller in no time, that way we'd afford the repairs of your car.

Nowadays, the world seems so big and empty with out you, there are no adventures or awkward moments that make me burst into laughs. No one falls asleep and snores when I'm watching movies or TV, so I have no one to push around and no where to rest my head or my arm. All it's just the same, what happened to my sunshine? Where has my laughter gone to?

_I miss you so much_.

Another red street light, again I have to stop. The wind is blazing here; this is such a large avenue, dozens of cars passing by, some wait for the light to change so they can keep moving and some just keep forward. So many people, still there's not a single familiar face around, at least not the face I'd like to see.

It's my turn to cross now, trying to stay alert and looking around, I notice no one coming or near me. I'm not being paranoid, it's just that I keep dozing off into my own mind and memories; I don't want anything bad to happen.  
Yeah, I'm good at being a coward; I mean at least there must be something I'm good at, other than just being a hysterical freak. Well, it's not only my fault; how was I supposed to come up differently growing up in the environment in which I did? Obviously I wasn't going to be just some regular happy crappy person; I had to HAVE some damned issues.

Great, now I'm giving explanations to myself, justifying my own madness.

Yup, I'm definitely a walking circus, clowns and animals, all included, plus a free ticket to emotional roller coasters. The funny part of this is that I actually move my hands sometimes when I'm thinking while walking, everybody makes fun of me for the incredible amount of body language I use in a regular conversation, presentation or whatever the hell I'm doing that includes an audience. So right now, I'm my own audience; so clearly, it had to happen, I simply had to move my hands.

Just like right now, I'm moving my hands as if stating the facts to someone, I can hardly imagine the impression that anyone will get of me when he or she sees me doing faces, (frowns and/or smiling stupidly) while moving my hands. A crazy teenager walking in the middle of the night that talks to shadows, sounds like the guys in white will come pick me up and give me a ride, though not necessarily home.

Wow, I've already walked quite a bit!

It does help to lose up a bit in my mind; my feet still don't feel tired, I'll probably be dead tired tomorrow morning though.  
Right now, I only have to try and keep alert for anything strange or off around me. I wonder if that girl that was also walking already reached her house, there's no sign of her on the streets, maybe she lives near school. Why couldn't I live any nearer? I just had to go and live all the way across. I just had to sell my stupid car.

And then again, I just _had_ to choose night school.

* * *

tbc.


End file.
